


run on for a long time

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 10:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1741784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam almost trips over Steve the first night, he's curled into a tight ball on the living room floor. The pull out bed is almost perfectly made, the only thing missing is the blanket. Even still, Steve looks like he's barely asleep and a light breeze might wake him. </p>
<p>Sam curls up on the edge of the bed, so his knuckles brush against Steve's back. Steve trembles as if cold but it fades quickly and SAm makes himself stop worrying enough to fall asleep, his fingers just barely touching Stev</p>
            </blockquote>





	run on for a long time

Sam almost trips over Steve the first night, he's curled into a tight ball on the living room floor. The pull out bed is almost perfectly made, the only thing missing is the blanket. Even still, Steve looks like he's barely asleep and a light breeze might wake him. 

Sam curls up on the edge of the bed, so his knuckles brush against Steve's back. Steve trembles as if cold but it fades quickly and SAm makes himself stop worrying enough to fall asleep, his fingers just barely touching Steve. When he wakes up Steve is gone but the blanket has been put over Sam. They don't talk about it at all that day but Sam purposefully waits until Steve is asleep to look out into the living room.

Once again Steve is on the floor, curled up into a tight ball. Sam doesn't hesitate this time, grabbing the blanket from the bed and stretching out on the edge of the pull out. As he falls asleep, he feels Steve shift and move so Sam's fingers rest over his heart.

-

"Where did you lose him?"

"Afghanistan." Sam looks up at Steve's voice. He's used to him showing up without any warning. Sometimes before Sam's meetings, sometimes he waits until after. He never speaks up during though. Sam would never force anyone to talk but he can see in the set of Steve's shoulders that he needs to. "Mountains, could give you the coordinates if you want. Won't ever forget them." Steve leans against the podium that Sam stands at. He doesn't like it, feels too formal but sometimes it has its uses. His leg hurts sometimes, a bad landing when he first started flying the Falcon suit. He nods, showing he's listening to what Sam is saying. "What about you?"

"Doesn't everyone know?" His mouth twists into a bitter smile for a moment before he schools it away into something simply sad.

"I ain't everyone."

Steve's eyes dart to his and he doesn't look like he knows what to say. "Austria, in the Alps," he finally answers. He laughs suddenly. "Found him there and lost him again."

"You found him again."

Steve shrugs. They did find him but it was obvious Barnes wasn't ready and Steve let him go but not before Barnes understood Steve was there no matter what. And once again Steve was without a mission. Without anything. Crashing SHIELD to the ground had very neatly severed his ties with the armed services. 

"You wanna sit in on the meeting today?" Sam offers, people are about to start wandering in anyway.

"Sure." He finds a seat in the back corner, out of site. An observer.

-

Steve is awake when Sam comes into the living room three days later. His blue eyes lock on Sam's as he stretches out on the couch. Steve doesn't even bother pulling it out anymore, just stretching out on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket.

"You don't have to," he whispers.

"I know. Want to." He smiles and lets his arm hang over the side, letting Steve decide how close he wants to be. Sam's caught off guard when Steve loosely locks their fingers together.

-

Sam remembers from that first meeting how Steve was ready to walk away. He remembers his own racing thoughts as he watched Steve's back start to turn, chalking Sam up as just one more fan of Captain America. Most of all he remembers how Steve seemed to expect it.

He wonders if Steve remembers being Steve anymore or if the kid he used to be, the one who doesn't show up in the exhibits and the history books. Sam knows he must have existed, there had to be someone before Captain America.

He thinks he sees him during the meetings, when Steve focuses on whoever is speaking. Full attention and respect. He never speaks up though.

Sam doesn't think about it until they're leaving one day and run into protesters. Sam's seen them around, doesn't think twice about it but Steve freezes. "What are they doing?"

"Who knows. Same asshole group who pickets at funerals I think. Don't pay attention, come on." He rests his hand on Steve's elbow, intending to pull him away.

"But-"

"You don't have to be a hero all the time Steve." He's not sure he wants the news to be about Captain America beating up some Westboro church members outside the VA.

Steve's eyes narrow and he shrugs off Sam's hand. "It's not that." Sam blinks and Steve is already down the steps in the face of some poor fool who never signed up to receive the brunt of Captain America's indignation. He pauses and realizes, this isn't Captain America, this is Steve Rogers.

His rant at the kid about respect and responsibility gets uploaded to Youtube within an hour. It's on the evening news though Sam only knows because someone texts Steve about it while they're eating dinner and watching CSI rereuns. They don't put it on, they both lived it, and whatever the anchor is going to say isn't going to change what happened.

Sam leans a little further into Steve, suddenly overwhelmed by him. He can't remember the last time he met someone so overtly noble. It had nothing to do with good or bad, just sticking to what he saw as right.

"Please don't make a thing of it," Steve whispers, eyes never straying from the TV. "Sometimes people would and I just- I don't like staying quiet. Always gotta stand up."

"No wonder you were stupid enough to go after SHIELD and Hydra and fuck knows what else."

Steve grins and leans into him. "I always had good people at my back."

"Yea but you're inspirational. Get the feeling you were like that before."

Steve shrugs. "Dunno. Never really had a chance." He quickly changes the subject but there's something else there he almost said.

-

Steve curls up on the couch with him one night. Sam doesn't think they'll fit but Steve curls up as if he's small and fragile and needs someone to look out for him. He isn't sure someone as big as Steve should be able to feel so small but he doesn't say a word. Just holds him tightly, legs tangling together 

-

They get ice cream together after a run, it's not even ten in the morning but Steve gets a sundae and two spoons and they share it instead of eating a proper breakfast. Steve grins and smears ice cream over Sam's lips before leaning into kiss him. It's sweet and bitter from dark chocolate on Steve's tongue.

"I thought I was reading things right, but I'm pretty shit so didn't want to assume." Steve chews at the edge of his spoon before trying to hide his embarrassment with another mouthful of ice cream.

"Good assumption." He kicks him lightly under the table.

Steve's eyes meet his and he looks terrified but Steve's natural reaction to fear seems to be to jump in head first. "Never really dated. Had sex, but I never really just went to dinner with someone." He drops the spoon into the empty dish. "Feels like a waste. Got this whole new second chance or third chance and barely use it."

Sam frowns and scrapes at the bottom of the bowl while he collects his thoughts. "You really think you've wasted your life?"

"No that isn't right." Steve sighs and suddenly he looks so young. Sam tries to do the math in his head, but he's not sure exactly how old Steve would be minus the years spent in ice. Mid-twenties he thinks. "I haven't. I've done- I've been Captain America and that isn't gonna stop. Not like I can put the body away. Sorry this is a lot to dump on you."

"No it isn't." He leans over the table to kiss him, making sure he has Steve's complete attention. "I'm good at this shit so whatever you gotta say. I'm not about to run away."

Steve smiles but it's hard to read, too many emotions all warring with each other. "Bucky was so happy for me," he finally says softly. "No longer sick or weak, he didn't want me in the war but he saw the good in what happened. But it still just feels like a suit I'm wearing. Sometimes I really want to take it off and then feel guilty, should be enjoying this."

"It's ok to want things for yourself. You volunteered to be a soldier, not a damn gun." He catches Steve's hand to make sure he has his attention. "You're a human being Steve, and that's really ok." He's not sure if Steve really hears him but he's not about to let it go just yet. 

-

Steve goes straight to Sam's bed one night, no longer pretending with the floor or the couch. He sits on the edge of the bed, staring at his hands. "I'm not sure…."

"You want to just sleep?"

"Please?" 

Sam cups his face and kisses him, hoping it's reassuring, he could pull back and explain. He's learned how to put what he feels into words but with Steve he wants to show him. He wants whatever they have to be more than words. Steve kisses back like he understands. His hands clench in Sam's shirt like a drowning man.

"I might kick," Steve whispers against Sam's lips.

"I can handle bruised shins."

They end up with Steve again curled up small, Sam's arms around him. It feels protective, except Steve doesn't need protection. Even when he was small, Sam doesn't think he needed much protection.

-

Some mornings they decide not to do anything. They stay in bed, Sam plastered against Steve's back, his nose against his neck. They lie there in silence, Sam can hear Steve's even breathing. It's reassuring. He doesn't dream of Reilly every night, and he's dealt with the worst of his guilt. Somehow, almost accidentally in helping others he worked through his shit. But there are still mornings where the steady rise and fall, the beating of Steve's heart against his palm, the reassurances that he's here and Sam hasn't lost him feel good.

He thinks sometimes that Steve feels the same way, even if his ghost is once again flesh and blood. He kisses the skin behind Steve's ear, not to start anything, but it feels good to touch freely. 

Steve sighs softly and presses his head into the pillow, stretching his neck out in a clear invitation. He knows Steve still doesn't feel completely right in a bed, Sam got a harder mattress when he came home and he thinks it helps Steve too. Steve seems to be sleeping better and there are mornings like this, when neither move.

"I don't want to disappoint you," Steve mumbles. 

"How?"

"I lie. Pretend to be better than I am." Steve goes still, not pulling away but still somehow closing himself up. "I think I lied to Bucky a lot. Never meant to but…"

"Doubt that," Sam murmurs, wrapping his arm more firmly around Steve's waist.

"Let him think I was happy."

"How much you wanna bet he saw through it." Sam kisses the edge of Steve's jaw. "Didn't you ever catch him lying to protect you?" Steve huffs and twists around so they're face to face. "I'm good at my job Rogers. You're not a liar. You dealt with a lot of shit and you survived and now you gotta deal with that. Doesn't make you a bad person."

Steve is close enough their foreheads touch. He kisses like Sam can fill his lungs with air.

-

He laughs when he finally catches up with Steve, sprawled out under the tree, a cocky grin on his lips.

"Did I ever tell you it feels best when I run?" He says as Sam drops down next to him. Sam leans back against the tree and Steve moves so his head is in Sam's lap. "Everything clicks together. I'm not too small or too big or anything. Could run everywhere."

"If I could keep up with you I'd say do it."

Steve grins up at him and beckons him down for a kiss. "Won't ever leave you behind."

-

It's the middle of the night when Sam jerks awake, not sure what woke him at first but then he sees Steve over him, forehead creased in worry. "Sorry you were jerking around and I-" Sam sits up and kisses him hard. He isn't sure who starts but suddenly hands are pulling at clothes and the kiss grows hungry and desperate. Steve lets Sam take control, lets him grip his hips tight enough to bruise.

Any noise they make is swallowed by each others lips, reduced to nothing but desperate frantic breath. He feels Steve's teeth on his neck and hopes that there will be a mark left over in case this all feels like a dream tomorrow. Their bodies move perfectly together, and Steve almost sobs in relief when he comes.

There's so much they're not saying and Sam knows they don't need to say but things need to be let go.

In the morning, there's a mark just like Sam wanted and when Steve sees it he grins like a kid. Sam's own marks are on Steve's hips.

"Last night was good," Steve says shy and awkward. 

"Only good?" Sam teases.

"Well," Steve drawls, laughing when Sam punches his arm. His arm slips around Sam's waist, pulling him close. "Thank you," he whispers. "For being there."

"Whatever you need Steve. Promise."

"Gotta let me return the favor. Can't talk you through shit like you do but whatever I can."

"You sappy fucker, whatever you can. Deal." He smiles against Steve's lips. His arms wrap around Steve, knowing he doesn't need protection but he needs something. He's never wondered what Steve was like when he was little, never felt the need to know who he was. He likes this Steve, the way he leans in, fits against Sam. The way he grins, shameless and relaxed.

-

Steve falls asleep on the couch while they're watching a late night horror movie, his head pillowed in Sam's lap and he looks so restful, Sam doesn't bother waking him. He's heard Steve make jokes about getting plenty of sleep. He still curls up small when he sleeps, becoming who he was and still is and Sam makes sure to keep an arm around him.

It's the easiest way to say I love you.


End file.
